Submitted by ub on Sat, 07/05/2014 - 20:32

Here are reasons why I wish to be 39 forever:

I have no clue what's on MTV.

When people say older folks they're talking about me.

I'm more likely to forget to have sex than to forget to floss.

If I eat chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, I've gained an inch of waistline by dinnertime.

I get a full night's sleep, but look like I was up all night. But not up all night doing something cool.

I'm probably never going to be a Solid Gold Dancer, Soul Train or American Bandstand..

The me in my head is like the foxy little brother of the me in the mirror.

If I strolled across a college campus, people would assume teacher, professor Ph.D!

I'm old enough to finally be admitted to the AARP.

Most days, I choose comfort over style. I'm a traitor to my stilettos.

All the tanning I did is showing up now as brown blotches. Get a Sharpie and you could draw.

The Psychedelic Furs, Duran Duran and The Cure are now considered oldies.

Everything I wore in high school has been appropriated ironically by hipsters.

Only a fortysomething is old enough to remember the TV show Thirtysomething. More irony.

Oooh, my aching back, legs, arms, neck...etc.

Ages 31-39 are a total blur. I'm scared I'll blink and be 100.

I still think 33-year-old gals are hot. And they're like, sir?

Why didn't I take topless pictures of myself when I was younger?

I fantasize about taping up the sides of my face. It takes 10 years off instantly.

Touching my toes is not a guarantee.

Forget 50 Shades of Grey - my nightstand is full of Bengay. The apothecary is open!

I even have one of those days-of-the-week vitamin boxes.

If I buy a turtle it might outlive me.

The bad habits I still have are probably here to stay.

I say things like, "What's the name of that actor, you know, he was in that thing?"

I get a hangover from looking at liquor.

My next milestone birthday is... I forgot!

Did I mention my reading glasses?